Poor Goldilocks just couldn't manage her editorial team
The tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears is world-renown, passed down, and has been rewritten countless times. It's also been translated into a great many languages since its first official publication in 1837. In short, Goldilocks has been around. With so many interpretations and versions of her story, both online and in print, her poor Wikipedia page writers can barely keep up. Yet, luckily for Goldilocks, in all her 181 years of being her best possible self, she's only ever had three bears and three versions of anything to deal with in any given story. When does that ever happen in real life? It's a managing editor's dream—the dream editorial team.
Cast of Characters aka our Editorial Team
For the purposes of this story we'll see each character playing dual roles.
Goldilocks will be the managing editor which makes her mother the editor-in-chief by default. This makes the three bears the staff writers of course—Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear—because every good editorial team needs to hit all demographics.
So let's recap the tried and true story for the sake of due diligence, shall we?
Goldilocks as Protagonist and Antagonist
Once upon a time, Goldilocks was sent out into the woods—by her mother—tasked with the search for the juiciest story in all the land. Forbidden to return home without it, Goldilocks felt the pressure once again, on the verge of occupational burnout suffered by so many better managing editors before her.
Like any decent managing editor would do, her first order of business was to turn to her team of fabulous writers. She set off straight away for the staff's quarters but when she got there she saw that nobody was home. As bosses tend to do in their natural habitats, Goldilocks trespassed upon the property anyway.
For anyone who's ever worked in an office with a communal kitchen...
Goldilocks sauntered into the bears' home and made her rounds from room to room before discovering three bowls of porridge sitting out in the dining room. Her stomach growled, as if on cue, for she'd skipped breakfast that particular morning. Without hesitation, she grabbed a spoon and scooped a heaping pile of porridge straight from Papa Bear's bowl. It was scalding hot and burned the roof of her mouth but that didn’t stop little Goldilocks, no. Well, Mama Bear's porridge turned out to be icy cold which makes sense since it's universally known that mothers rarely—if ever—get a hot meal in them. But Baby Bear's porridge turned out to be just right, so Goldilocks ate it all up with not a morsel left behind.
With her belly full of porridge, Goldilocks decided she should sit and rest in the living room while she waited for her editorial team to return—her sense of entitlement only magnified by the perks of nepotism. In the living room she discovered three chairs: Papa Bear's chair that turned out to be way too big, Mama Bear's chair that was slightly smaller but still too big for Goldilocks’s tiny frame, and Baby Bear's chair that was just right. She settled into Baby Bear's chair, making herself comfortable, but it somehow broke into pieces beneath her weight!
All's fair in bear and war, in bed
The whole experience was proving to be too much for little Goldilocks to handle. From her long walk through the woods to eating other people's food and breaking chairs, it zapped her of whatever energy she had left. So she headed upstairs to the bedrooms and decided to take a power nap.
Naturally, Papa Bear's bed was too hard for her delicate bones, and Mama Bear's bed just way too soft while—you guessed it—Baby Bear's bed was just right. Well, her power nap turned into a full-on snooze fest and she was awoken by a group of very hostile bears. Truth be told, Goldilocks's staff of bear writers had been job hunting for quite some time already having had enough of the poor working conditions and shabby treatment from management—namely Goldilocks and her mother. On that particular day they'd been interviewing at quite a few kiddie book content mills and their hunt had ended successfully. They were offered jobs at both The Paddington Group and The Berenstain Bears Crew. The bears had planned to get home and celebrate with their bowls of porridge and some honey rum they'd hidden away. Thankfully, their stash of bear booze was safe but their home was a mess upon their return. And they were livid.
"Someone's eaten our porridge, and broken our chair and slept in our beds. We're not going to take it anymore. ROAR!"
The bears' animal instincts overrode any remaining professionalism or diplomacy as they bared their teeth for the first time at Goldilocks. Like any decent managing editor would, Goldilocks saw clearly the writing on the wall, and jumped out of Baby Bear's bed and straight out the window. She broke both of her legs in the process but escaped with her life, to her mother's delight.
Moral of the story?
We neither condone violence nor promote editorial team coups but we do believe it's possible to achieve harmony in the checks and balances of any editorial team. Goldilocks shouldn't have had to have a near-death experience to decipher right from wrong. There is always a better way. Had she and her mother managed their content team better with a more balanced approached to the collaboration process, perhaps all the drama could have been avoided.
Psst! Rumor has it that this whole story of the three bears existed prior to 1837, before the very existence of Goldilocks. So if version history has taught us anything, then it's that everyone's expendable and restorable. Goldilocks and her mother would do well to remember that!
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